➡

Mourning, "the act of feeling or expressing sorrow, a time of sadness after a loss." Okay, the shoe fits... technically but is it really my shoe to wear? The general connotation that follows mourning involves the loss of a loved one; grief and suffering because someone has died. After this realization I felt very guilty, like I was unjustly using a feeling word when I had not experienced such a trauma as so many. Yes, COVID has taken things from me but things are replaceable and it is time I stand up and become engaged in these changes instead of seeing them all as losses.

Got Engaged ➡ Moved to Maine

Engagement Ended ➡ Took the time to learn my truth and explore my sexuality

Lost my house ➡ Saved up enough to buy my own

Lost my job during COVID ➡ Took the step towards starting graduate school

I stopped seeing the bright side of these road blocks in my life. I was overwhelmed by what felt like loss after loss. I finally felt that I had found my identity and I was in an environment that was fostering this growth. But change is inevitable and if I have learned anything during this it is that I need to be grateful for what I do have and not what I wish I had. So what comes next:

Moved back to CT and in with my parents ➡

Started a new job at Charlotte Hungerford Hospital ➡

I don't know that I am ready to fill in the other side of those equations just yet but I am learning to find the beauty in where am I right now instead of mourning the no longer or the not right now. I was reminded that there are parts and places in my new environment that can make me feel happy again, I just have to be open to looking for them. It won't do me any good sitting with my complacency and sadness hoping that my life will suddenly go back to the way it was before COVID. I have to see the pattern of events I have laid out here and realize in all of those shitty situations I found peace and new meaning on the other side of the equation. It is time for me to be my own butterfly and lean on myself to find meaning and happiness in a new light. How are you managing to find new, meaningful normals after loss?