I am me. I have bipolar I disorder. I am me.

Today a very brave woman chose to shed light on life with a bipolar I diagnosis. Yesterday, March 30, was World Bipolar Day. My friend, chose to acknowledge their connection to this day by sharing some of their journey. As she eludes to in the below passage: As much as it wasn't a day to "celebrate" it was a day to recognize that this is woven into my story now and others may find comfort in knowing they are not alone on this path.

I am a woman. I am an occupational therapist. I am a yoga teacher in training. I am a partner. I am a step mother figure. I am bipolar.

I am bipolar, I am bipolar, I am bipolar; say that seven times fast. . .

Well it doesn’t really get harder as you go, but for some reason it has been hard for me to say outloud. Yesterday was World Bipolar day and it did not feel like a thing for me to celebrate; though it did remind me that I am still me despite being bipolar.

On February 17, 2020 my partner and my mother brought me to the ER. They wanted me to be checked into inpatient psych because I was not acting quite like “myself”. Days leading up to the 17th I had been having panic attacks thinking about the boy who raped me when I was 18. He was 17 and likely had limited sexual education. I do not blame him for anything, however due to many sleepless nights in February I was having very vivid memories related to that incident.

I had brought my Ireland scrapbook home from my parent’s house at the beginning of February. I looked at it a few times and saw the prom pictures and newspaper clippings in the back of it. These both had pictures of the rapist. I know since high school he has grown up and treats women with respect, yet it still brought on panic attacks and 3 nights of poor sleep.

By February 14th (which also has a traumatic event tied to it but that story is for another time) I was starting to spiral downward. I hadn’t noticed it as much as my partner did. He was very supportive and finally on the 17th he and my mother made the right decision to bring me to the ER for help, because my calls to my old psychiatrist were not being returned (At that time I didn’t realize calling his cell phone was okay, I didn’t call it because I thought I could wait).

After the one night inpatient psych stay I saw my therapist and the following week I saw my old psychiatrist. Between the psychiatrist in the hospital and Dr. Mullarkay (my psychiatrist) I was diagnosed as bipolar on March 10, 2020. Leading up to that day I worked with my counselor on creating habits to monitor my mood and set routines that are healthy. I quit smoking weed and haven’t drank alcohol since before my first documented manic episode.

I am bipolar type I because I have had a manic episode. This is the one thing that makes it different from being bipolar II. Had that not been documented my team would likely continue treating me for generalized anxiety disorder, which is what I was diagnosed with about two years ago this May. Now I can be treated for both diagnoses.

Being bipolar is hard pill to swallow in more ways than one. I will be taking medication for the rest of my life and I am someone who avoids taking medications at all costs, until now. Currently I take 300 mg of lithium twice a day and 2.5 mg of olanzipine (zyprexa) for sleep.

I am still me, yet I have a normal level of lithium in my body and have been practicing routines to manage my highs and lows without disrupting my life. This is going to be a life long journey and I am so happy that I have met Sarah, the owner of this website, for she is one of my biggest supporters thus far.